Releasing the pressure has been a big focus of mine lately, and for reasons I’m not sure – the things I’ve done to release the pressure have left me feeling embarrassed and wanting to hide from you, and most people. I’ve told myself a story that I’m weak for needing to take time off, or I’m not good enough for not having my entire life figured out at this exact moment. But today I’m choosing to stop resisting where I am, and to stop hiding the things that make me human.
The past 18 months have been wild for me, I guess you could say.
- I separated from my husband
- Decided to get a divorce
- Moved from California to Toronto
- Moved in with my parents
- Moved out to live with a friend
- Started a new relationship
- Quit my job working with an incredible coach who had loads of clients that I adored
- Began working in social media which is not my forté
- Was laid off from that job
- Decided to go out of my own and start my biz
- Ran out of money
- Got notice my landlord/bff is engaged – YAY! Which means she’s selling so I need to move
Then I burnt the EFF out.
Through all of this I kept telling myself I wasn’t stressed out. Despite moving, massive relationship changes, and massive job changes all being listed at the top of the most stressful things we go through.
I neglected doing the things I needed to feel good, grounded, safe, sane.
I was determined to have it all together.
I was determined to be successful.
But I ignored the fact that in the last 18 months I took a wrecking ball to my life…cue Miley.
I went from being married, working as a sales manager for a great hotel company that I had a bright future with – to what felt like nothing. Not having a job, no longer having the “security” of the person I thought I would spend my life with, having no home, and the part I would like to admit the least – no money.
I knew it had to happen, I had to let the old version of my life go to create the new one. I wasn’t making subtle changes. This wasn’t a fresh coat of paint or a small renovation, this was a full blown demolition. Everything had to go. But I’ve been trying to skip steps. I’ve been trying to be the finished product before I’ve complete cleared out the debris. I’ve been trying to build something new before I’ve created any foundation.
And then I just couldn’t.
I started feeling so tired I could cry, all the time.
I started sitting in the quiet, in the dark for hours because it felt like I couldn’t do anything else.
I didn’t want to be around people because I felt like I couldn’t pretend it was all fine anymore, it wasn’t.
And then I remembered, that’s what got me here in the first place.
How did I end up in a relationship that wasn’t working and a job that was so empty to me when on the outside everyone thought I was happily married and getting promotions?
Because I’ve always felt pressure to make others happy, to do things to be loved, to have everything figured out, to be certain, to know what I’m doing.
I felt pressure to be the perfect employee, to be the perfect wife.
And here I was again – trying to be the person I thought others wanted me to be… while I was figuring out who I am, new to this life on my own, new to my own business, feeling the pressure to have it all together, to know exactly what I’m doing, to have the final product completed when I’m at the beginning.
So I slowed down. I kept learning, and kept working with clients because I really love both of those – I love sharing human design and talking about mindset, but I wasn’t sure how create an image to put on social media when I felt so scattered.
Then I realized, I didn’t have to create anything. So I’m sharing with you – the things I don’t necessarily want you to know, but know you might be struggling with too. Maybe you’ve gone through some (or all) of the things I have recently or are going through your own challenges.
I knew things needed to change.
Here are some of the things I’ve done recently to release the pressure:
+ I let myself sleep without an alarm whenever possible
+ I got a job serving to release the financial pressure on my business
+ I stopped consuming anything business related (podcasts, books, courses etc) to release the pressure I feel to be doing things all the time
+ I started going to therapy again to release the pressure of trying to figure it all out on my own
+ I stopped going on instagram to release the pressure of feeling like I need to show up
+ I let go of all my food rules/restrictions and allowed myself to eat what I felt like eating
+ I removed all timelines attached to my goals for the time being, knowing that there really is no rush and that the journey of getting there is as important as the end result
+ I cancelled plans, I didn’t go to networking or business events
+ I hung out with friends and told them how I felt instead of pretending things are fine
+ I started watching TV – I used to use every spare second thinking about my business, learning things related, working of self or spiritual development. If I was going to watch something, it had to be related, but I’ve realized the important of down time
+ I journaled a lot, tapped a lot, meditated, took baths, did hair masks, face masks, got manicures
+ I went for walks outside, especially if there’s a rare moment of sunshine (it’s been a very cloudy few months in Toronto!)
+ I started to notice the feeling of “this is too much” and then didn’t do the thing that felt like too much
+ I started to notice the stories I tell myself I need to/should do and then didn’t do those things if I didn’t want to
+ I limited ’new’ things because to me – anything new felt uncertain. Going to new areas and working from new coffee shops is a small part of feeling like I get to explore while living in my city – but it can mean annoying things, wifi doesn’t work, chairs are uncomfortable, the music they play is annoying, and all though this may seem small, it was an experience I didn’t need to add to my day, it didn’t feel fun to explore, so I stopped making myself
+ I wore comfy clothes – I noticed when I’m overwhelmed that little things add up – my necklace feels annoying on my neck, my earrings bother my ears, my shirt seems rub the wrong way – whenever I could, I made myself as comfy as possible
+ I started rolling out the knots in my very tight muscles, stretching and using imagery to release tightness and increase mobility
+ I removed any expectations until I felt like I had energy again and didn’t want to cry all the time – and then I kept all of this up, because I’m in no rush to go back to feeling that way
+ And most recently, I’ve committed to stop making myself wrong for where I am right now – at the beginning of this new life I’m creating
What I find so interesting, was that I didn’t realize I was putting any pressure on myself – and to be clear, all of the pressure I was experiencing was self-induced. I don’t think anyone in my life has any expectation of me to have anything together at this moment in time.
Here’s where human design came in and really helped me out.
Looking at my human design chart – I can very clearly see that I am susceptible to putting so much pressure of myself.
- I feel pressure to be certain
- I feel pressure to answer everyones questions – even if they haven’t asked them, I need to be on the defence in case they do
- I feel pressure to have everything figured out, to have my direction in life sorted
- I feel pressure to hurry up to get things done so I can relax (things will never be ‘done’, so I can never relax if I play into this)
- And I don’t know when enough is enough – which I think is the main part that lead me to “I’m so tired I could cry” phase of my life.
This is why I’m such a fan of my experimenting with human design – it’s just showing me what’s there. Without this frame through which I can see myself, I may have very well carried on, oblivious to how miserable I was making myself, and how all of this pressure, and pain and exhaustion was something that I actually didn’t need to be putting on myself.
That awareness, is what finally gave my the permission to stop. To take a step back and to see where I could release the pressure.
Now, I can notice when I’m experiencing the pressure and decide not to play into it.
We can’t change when we’re not aware.
Now, things feel lighter. I’m feeling like myself again. I’m excited to create the future from where I am, instead of from where I think I should already be and I’m happy to be here and enjoy the journey.
If you’re curious about where you are susceptible to pressure according to your design, come find me on instagram @sort.of.spiritual DM me and I’ll let you know 🙂 — I think we could all do with a little less pressure in our lives.